Everyone loves Santa. His twinkling eyes, his jolly laugh, the sexy boner growing under his velvety pants. *record scratch* Yes, Santa boner. It’s a thing. Here, take my hand and let’s explore the treacherous icy backwaters that is the world of holiday erotica e-books that you can read in secret.

1. Snowballin’: I Fucked Frosty

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As the title states, this is indeed about having sex with Frosty the Snowman. “When a boyfriend fails to fulfill his sexual duties, sometimes the only option is to turn to the cold embrace of a snowman,” the ad copy reads. So — naturally! — the unsatisfied heroine turns to Frosty. Dear god, no! His freezing hands! His icy cold wang! The carrot nose. (Well, that might be OK.) On the possible plus side, Frosty apparently has 10 inches to work with.

2. Mrs. Claus Gets Elfed

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Mrs. C. gets tipsy on spiced punch at an elf party so — as any one of us would do — she ends up having sex with a whole bunch of elves. In other plot points, Elf Steve has a “tighter ass than the others.” Which is good. Perhaps this Amazon reviewer put it best: “If you are looking for a Christmas fantasy with sizzling hot page after page of gangbang elf sex, this is an excellent choice.” Yep.

3. Slammed By Santa

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Plotline: Santa shows a foxy brunette his “North pole” and (*gagging a little*) his “jingling balls.” There’s also mention of Santa’s “ballsac,” a word which I would argue should never appear in any erotica, though especially not in reference to Santa’s equipment. Also I think that it should be spelled “ball sack,” but that’s the least of our worries here. (Slammed by Santa fun fact: Santa has an “enormous tool.” According to him.)

4. XXXMas Sex Stories: Erotic Christmas Tales

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A short story collection for those who find pretty much everything about Christmas to be arousing. Carriage rides? Check. Santa? Check. A group of elves who keep Santa jolly via the healing powers of group sex? Oh yes. But perhaps the hardest to, ahem, swallow is Ebenezer Scrooge as sexytime romantic lead. “He knew now that he wasn’t imagining this gossamer form. There was a ghostly woman who was now lightly tickling the head of his naughty dick.” *Runs screaming into the woods*.

5. Breeding Mrs. Claus

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Breeding Mrs. Claus is “reindeer shifter breeding erotica.” Translated, this means Mrs. Claus is going to be gettin’ down with (and pregnant by) Rudy, a strapping young reindeerish/man thing. To Rudy’s credit, he’s in good shape, with an ass “one could bounce any amount of quarters off of.” (Hard to imagine need for so much quarter bouncing.) Also, unlike Prancer, he has a somewhat decent name.

6. Santa’s Sorority House Gangbang 2: Pledge Week

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Santa arrives on the rooftop during pledge week and sorority president Tiffani (who, for the record, has “massive tits”) enlists him to help turn the sorry pledge class around. You can probably guess what this entails. “NOT INTENDED FOR CHILDREN OR MINORS!” reads a warning, as though the title “Santa’s Sorority House Gangbang” didn’t make that abundantly clear.

7. Santa’s Coming Tonight

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Oh no, I sense yet another tiresome holiday pun “coming”… wait, here it is now: “Emma promises her son that Santa will come — little does she know just how much. She spends a fun filled Christmas Eve with the jolly man in the red suit, as he pleasures her (and himself) time after time… She’ll never doubt he was real after this!” This is chock-full of all kinds of holiday ick.

8. His Candy Cane

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Andrea is a plus-sized woman who gets off on public candy cane fellatio. “I’ll slowly slide my lips further and further down the candy cane, taking it in deeper until I can feel it just brushing the back of my throat. Then I’ll lift my mouth off it with even more agonizing slowness, until the tip is in my mouth.” This catches the attention of her “tightly muscled” coworker Michael. And lucky for Andrea, Michael “has an even better use for that candy!” (Maybe it’s whipping out the glue gun and making some festive holiday crafts?)

9. Santa Claus Lays the Virgin

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Clara’s Christmas wish is to have Santa take her virginity. He obliges, partially because Santa is a giving man but also because he and Mrs. Claus are in a dry spell. There is a strange morality throughout the Santa erotica worldview — both the Clauses cheat plenty in these books but it’s generally explained that it’s due to a dry spell or Santa’s inattentiveness to his wife’s needs. Other superfluous Santa erotica explanation: “This is a work of fiction.”

10. Santa Baby

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“I have been a bad girl this year,” says our heroine, who, of course, is named Candy. “‘I probably just deserve…the switch.’ And she bit her lip as provokingly as she could. ‘Aaaaaarrrgh!’ Santa roared, at last completely overcome. ‘You sly little vixen! You’ve pushed me to my limit! If it’s the switch you want, it’s the switch you’ll get!‘” Best Santa BDSM snippet: “His belly jiggled with restrained passion.”

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